sexella-deactivated20110425 asked: Hii I'm a cam girl too. (:
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Rain, rain, go away…

It’s raining. Again. I live in the Ohio Valley a.k.a. a flood plain. What does this mean? My precious belongings are about to be swallowed up by evil skank water from the nasty Ohio River. Anyone aware of how many dead people have landed in that river? Too many. Awesomesauce. So, if I cease my internet communication, send a lifeboat.

Did I mention I can’t swim?

4 Months

Been 4 months since I last posted an entry. I’m very depressing right now, but let’s try. Shall we?

Where to begin… I left my husband in May, moved a few times, switched jobs a few times, started dating chicks again….. Okay, you’re caught up. :)

Right now..I’m kind of void. Well, extremely, utterly, relentlessly void. I’m violent with my current love interest who means the world to me. My biggest issue is that it doesn’t even hurt me to hurt her. I know, right? Serial killer in the making. THAT’S what I’m worried about. 

Back in therapy only to hear, over and over, that the diagnoses I’ve been living with for over a decade are wrong. See, they tell you when you’re small that you’re fucked up, so you spend your life thinking you’re fucked up. You become an adult, and they rip that away from you. What the fuck is that shit? How are you going to tell me that the things that have made me the monster that I am don’t even fucking exist???? What the fucking FUCK?!?!?! It’s pointless, really, to argue with them. I give them an example and they reply like they’re an idiot. My next appointment is the 29th, but I’m calling to get one this week. If the bitch tells me I’m fine, I’m going to start acting crazy. Maybe she’ll get the point. -_-‘

I don’t really feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like I’m losing myself. I tried to talk to my female about it a few days ago, actually. I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life. I love her, and I lvoe being with her. But this is just not enough. Or maybe it is, and I’m too fucked up to realize. It should be enough, right? Right. I’m nuts. I’m losing all the good shit so I can have my bad shit back in my life. It’s sad, I’m aware, but I like pain. I like hurting. I’m a writer. I love the experience. I like feeling like I have something to write about. I don’t really have that much to write about anymore. Walking through my head is terrifying, even for me. An outsider looking in would think that I should be admitted…. I probably should. Only, I have these things called bills. Bills don’t pay themselves. How awesome would that be? :D

I highly doubt anyone even reads my entries. But, those that do, thanks for listening. <3

Urgh.

So, I have ADD. This means that all the fun pills that make everyone really hyped up only make me fall asleep. Pseudoephedrine, Adderall, Stackers…. Yea, these are zombie pills for me. It pisses me off to no end, because I have no energy as it is. So, attempting to participate in minor illegal activity in order to clean my house proves to make me more tired.

I think I need to start smoking meth.